I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
