where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
