I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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