tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
