I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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