You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
