Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
