so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
