We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Still dying that you shit outside
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
