she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
