hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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