I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
