The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
