Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I love how my cats smell like pot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
