I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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