Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
