That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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