so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
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Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS