what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
