oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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