Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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