trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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