My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm really busy with my period
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