Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
