Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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