Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
