Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I supernannyed him into submission
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
