Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
