I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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