Yo dont text me then not text me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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