end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
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You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
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I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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