There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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