Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
