Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
