How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
