so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So apparently I’m into choking now
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