shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
