just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just googled if crying burns calories
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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