Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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