I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
