I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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