I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
