My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
