Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
