i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
