Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
