Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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