Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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