I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
