He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
zippers are such a cool invention
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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