I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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