im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
