I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
