and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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