Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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