Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
