I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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