just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am available for nakedness
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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