he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
